Friday, November 4, 2011

What the Hell Have I Done?

After experiencing a chemical pregnancy in June, I made the statement that I would still immediately announce any future pregnancy I might experience to the world.  That has turned out to be a lie.  I wasn’t intentionally dishonest, but at the time I could not have known how it would feel to see the word “Pregnant” in a testing window again.  When I did see that word, about four weeks ago, I found that announcing my news was the last thing that I wanted to do.  I told my husband, and a few people very close to me, but I found myself phrasing the news with words like “I think,” “might” and “maybe.” 
This may sound strange, but I think when I found out I was pregnant in June a part of me immediately knew that something wasn’t right.  It was unexpected.  The timing was off.  Maybe I felt like if I told people about it I could make it be true, I could erase that uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach with smiles and feigned joy. Though I was saddened when the pregnancy did not work out, I cannot say that I was completely surprised.   This time, despite outwardly seeming unsure about it, I knew in my gut that I was pregnant and that things would work out just fine.  I knew that this was it.  Is it.  I am eight weeks pregnant.  I’ve seen the baby through ultrasound.  I’ve listened to its heartbeat.  In early June I will have another child.
I think that I have put off announcing the news mostly because I’ve needed time to accept it myself.  I should be ecstatic.  I have accomplished my goal, done what I set out to do.  This time I was actively trying to get pregnant.  I wanted it desperately, and the months of trying have been agonizing.  Now though, instead of feeling unfettered joy I find myself stuck with the thought of, “Holy shit.  What the hell have I done?”  I don’t think I’ve ever felt so completely terrified.
How am I going to manage Emma and being pregnant?  The general achiness, numbing fatigue and mildly nauseous feeling that follow me around constantly have already made things difficult.  I feel like I don’t have the energy or strength to deal with her.  And then I get to add overwhelming guilt to my list of ailments.  I feel very alone.  With my husband on the road most of the time and my mom buried in schoolwork, I feel as though I have to deal with more than I can handle in my depleted state.  Being pregnant with Emma was so much easier.  Whatever made me think that being pregnant and being responsible for a toddler at the same time was a good, or even manageable, idea?
And if I can’t even manage Emma and being pregnant, how the hell am I going to manage Emma and a newborn?  I can’t even think about middle of the night feedings without getting choked up.  Bottles.  Formula.  Burp clothes and bibs and spit up.  Blow outs.  There is so much that I don’t miss about having a little baby around.  And now, in just seven short months, I get to experience all of that again.  This time though, I get to experience it with a two year old in tow.  Really, what the hell have I done?
I realize that this is all so negative, and that is not what an announcement of a new life should be.  Sometimes, I do feel excited.  I did want this at one point.  I think when the first trimester fog lifts I will remember exactly why.  Emma needs a sibling.  If you read my previous blog you will understand just how desperately.  I know that my family is not complete right now.  I always intended to have more than just one child.  And I know that, even though new babies are demanding and needy, they are also pretty adorable.  I think Emma will be an amazing big sister.  I can’t wait to see how she reacts to a new baby in the house.  Even though she is temperamental at best, I have faith that she will love the new baby with her entire little heart. 
So there it is.  My big announcement.  I am pregnant.  Holy shit.


Amber @ Life Will Never Be The Same said...

congratulations!! I think anyone going from one kid to two would have the same feelings of anxiety. Just thinking of pregnancy now with a toddler is exhausting to me, you are right though once you reach the 2nd trimester you will probably feel better about things when you feel less run down and exhausted. The first trimester is miserable. Congrats again, you can do this!

Kashia said...

Congratulations!!! I recently found out I am pregnant with my first child. Though I do have a step son that turned two, two days ago. So I get to find out the joys of having a newborn and a two and a half year old. Though I do not have him all the time, he is here a lot, and quite the handful! So my heart goes out to you! I hope you find the amazing joy in knowing you'll have another life to love here soon. I know that icky feeling of being sick all the time really makes it hard to be excited sometimes.

My Baby Sleep Guide said...

Congrats! It never sinks in with me either. At least not until I am holding the baby. Actually, it still take a few minuets to sink in, even with that!