Overwhelmed

Today is St. Patrick’s Day.  An odd holiday, one that tends to contradict itself.  A day to celebrate St. Patrick, who is credited with spreading Christianity across Ireland.  And we honor his holy mission by getting sloppy on green-dyed beer.  Nice.  But this is not a blog about St. Patrick’s Day, mostly because there really isn’t a whole lot more to say on the topic.  This is a blog about how I’m feeling on this lovely St. Patrick’s Day, which is overwhelmed.

I have always been a (mostly) responsible person.  I mean, sure, I had my share of youthful indiscretions.  But for the most part I have always managed to keep it all together.  I graduated high school with grades good enough to get me accepted to a state university.  I then went on to get a bachelor’s degree in education while holding down various part time jobs to pay the bills.  And though I managed to rack up a good bit of debt due to the fact that I didn’t really make enough to live on my own (and maybe some irresponsible spending), I never got to the point where I couldn’t pay at least my minimum payments.  Prior to about six months ago I have never had to pay my bills late or miss payments.

When I was seven months pregnant, my husband’s former employers suddenly and rather unexpectedly said that they could no longer pay him.  About four months later, despite repeated assurances that everything would be fine, they informed him that the situation would be permanent and that he should find another job.  It took another three months before he finally went into the trucking industry.  Prior to this situation occurring I had managed to get us into a relatively financially sound situation.  We could pay our bills.  Our debt was consolidated and our credit cards had no balances.  There was a light at the end of the tunnel.  We even had some money in our savings account to fall back on in a tight spot so that we wouldn’t have to turn to our credit cards.  During those seven months of unemployment, we managed to go through our savings, max out our credit cards, and get ourselves into a way bigger hole than we’d ever been in before.  Admittedly, this was in part due to my obstinate refusal to accept the situation and pinch every penny.  But even if I had squeezed until each penny was flat, we still wouldn’t have had enough. 

Fast forward to today.  My husband is working and though it took time for him to get through school and training, he is finally making pretty good money again.  Our income tax return will be enough to get us caught up on our mortgage and a few other things we’ve fallen behind on.  We once again make enough money to pay our bills… with the exception of all that previously mentioned debt.  Having to decide which bills not to pay each month is stressful.  I hate being a person who just doesn’t pay their bills.  I accumulated that debt, it is my responsibility, and yet I can’t take care of it.  I have been toying with the idea of filing bankruptcy, though I haven’t pursued the topic yet because I loathe the idea.  I feel like I am at a crossroads, knowing I need to make a decision but terrified of making the wrong one.  I will have to decide soon though because I can’t just keep ignoring the problem forever.  And the stress is really getting to me.

Yesterday my cable and internet got shut off.  It is already back on today, but the reason that it got shut off is ridiculous.  I had a pile of mail on the bar in my kitchen that I did not go through for so long that my cable bill was six weeks late.  So my cable got shut off not because I couldn’t pay it, but because I forgot to pay it.  The same thing happened with my water bill but luckily they didn’t respond as quickly.  This morning I needed to get gas and had to put it on a credit card not because I have no money in my account but because I left both my license and my debit card in the diaper bag at home.  So yes, I also drove to work and back without my license.  Two weeks ago I lost my debit card, either because I let Emma play with it after paying at some store or because I stuck it in my back pocket and it fell out somewhere.  I had to make phone calls to get tax forms I needed because I accidentally threw them away.  This absentmindedness is so very uncharacteristic of me and it’s making me depressed.  I’ve always prided myself as being someone who can keep it all together, someone who can do it all with a smile on my face.  And now I often feel like I’m barely scraping by, doing the bare minimum in every aspect of my life.  It is hard having a husband who is always on the road.  It is hard taking care of a house and a one year old and two dogs while also working full time.  It is hard always having to worry about money.  It is overwhelming.  I am overwhelmed.  I would love to curl up in a ball on my bed with the covers over my head and shut out the world… that will make all my problems disappear, right?

Ok.  I’m done with my whining, and honestly I do feel a little better.  If you stuck with me this long, thanks for reading.  I will put my happy face back on.  Maybe I need some green beer after all. 

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Growing Up at Target

I love shopping.  The thing I love most about shopping is the organization.  I love the way all like things are grouped together.  There is something about seeing ten of the same item arranged by size that makes me feel like I need to take one home with me.  It looks so lovely on the rack, wouldn’t it look equally lovely in my closet (or more frequently these days, Emmalee’s closet)?  This is why I tend to avoid clearance racks and why I don’t prefer to shop at discount stores like Ross or TJ Maxx.  The disarray of items organized by size and then type makes me much less likely to desire anything.  Of all the places to shop I love Super Target the most.  I love the red shopping carts.  I love that there is a Starbucks just inside the door.  I love that it is never too crowded, that they rarely run out of things, and that the store always seems so neat and clean.  I could (and do) literally spend hours inside that store, browsing aimlessly up and down every aisle, checking it all out and basking in the orderly shopper’s paradise.  And though it is fun to peruse the store, it is a rare occurrence that I leave empty handed.  Because I also love the white and red shopping bags, the way the receipt is organized by category, and the exhilaration of leaving with something new.

I try to behave and purchase only things that I need.  But need is objective, isn’t it?  Does Emmalee need more long sleeved pajamas?  Not if I do laundry more than once a week.  But since I don’t, it is a need, right?  Does Emmalee need another toy to play with?  Not really, but its only $7.00 and look how cute it is!  Does Emmalee need another book?  Well, I want her to go to college don’t I?  I know, I’m ridiculous.  This ridiculousness (accompanied by a few more reasonable explanations) has led to the accumulation of more debt than I care to admit to.  There comes a certain point where debt turns into a vicious cycle.  I have so much that I spend nearly all my income (after household bills and groceries) on keeping up with the payments, which means any new purchases have to be acquired through credit.  If I didn’t have to spend so much on credit card payments, I could afford to buy what I need (want?) and wouldn’t have to charge it.  And so the cycle continues.  Not to mention that debt is depressing.  You know what cheers me up?  Shopping!

Emmalee was six days old the first time she visited our local Super Target.  I don’t think she was all that impressed that day.    But as the weeks passed by and she continued to take weekly, or sometimes twice weekly, trips, she began to recognize the awesomeness that is Target.  Or at least, that’s what I like to think.  She is inundated by the sights, the sounds, the smells, the pretty clothes and colorful toys that I hold up in front of her while asking, “Should we buy this?”  (Perhaps I shouldn’t leave purchasing decisions in the hands of a ten month old?)  The Target shopping cart with its high-backed and roomy child seat is almost like a second home to her.  During the shopping high it is easy to get carried away and to reason that passing my love for spending on to Emmalee is a bonding experience, something we can share together in the years ahead.  But later, especially while paying bills, I can’t help but to realize that I’m wrong. 

I have gotten myself into an unfortunate situation, mostly due to irresponsible and not well thought out choices.  Buy now, pay later is a thrilling concept… until later arrives.  I am constantly worried about finances and wonder how I will ever dig myself out of this hole.  This is not something I want Emmalee to ever have to experience.  So perhaps it is time to change my ways.  Maybe instead of teaching Emmalee how fun shopping is, I should be more concerned with teaching her to make responsible shopping choices and to budget for things that she wants, even if it means waiting and saving awhile.  Before I can teach this lesson to her, though, I guess I will have to teach it to myself.  Luckily Emmalee is only ten months old, so I have some time to get things in order before she begins to understand words like money, credit, and consumerism.  I read somewhere that you have to be who you want your child to be.  I don’t want Emmalee to be a person bogged down by debt, so I guess it’s time to figure out a new way of doing things. 

My beloved Super Target, I will miss you.